Kenyan Traffic Rules a la Njenva

  1. There will be the creation of a traffic jail. Where all inmates will be whipped every morning and their everyday duty will be to clean the bathrooms and cells of the regular jails.
  2. For every traffic offence that you are accused of (please note, not convicted of) a part of your ear will be clipped off. The size clipped off will depend on the magnitude of the offence.
  3. When a vehicle overlaps, the driver with all the passengers inside (including children) will be immediately sent to traffic jail for one month. Only the driver’s ear will be clipped.
  4. When a driver joins a highway or gets into a junction without checking traffic signs (such as Stop or Give Way) in addition to having his ear clipped, the car in question will be immediately seized and turned into scrap metal / recyclable trash with everything inside it (shopping, baby seats, crisps, etc) by crushing it using the huge crushers that will be next to the clipper offices.
  5. Clipper offices will be located next to each police post and station in the country. The clipping process will entail removal of a chunk of the accused ear. Blood must be drawn during the clipping otherwise it will be repeated until some bleeding occurs.
  6. Drivers of vehicles who drive with full lights will be arrested immediately, have one of their eyes plucked off and released immediately. If one has previously committed this offence, they can select which limb they would like to have amputated. They can select any part of the body except the ears which will be preserved to keep count of the clippings and traffic offences that one has been accused of.
  7. Drivers who overtake at corners, hills, blind spots and such like places will be required to ‘walk’ on their knees from Kisumu to Mombasa. If they take longer than 60 days to complete this journey, they will be required to go back to Kisumu and start the journey again. Each time they restart the process, their ears will be clipped again.
  8. Drivers who curse at other drivers or display certain offensive gestures while on the road will be required to present themselves to Unilever or Bidco the next day. For the next 60 days, they will be required to eat whatever soap is manufactured there from 8am to 5pm. This activity will be undertaken non-stop, no breaks will be provided. This category of drivers will not have their ears clipped.
  9. If the president causes any type of traffic jam within a radius of 23kms of the CBD, he / she will be required to use a bicycle to and from his / her meetings for the next 60 days. It will be a must that:
    1. He / she wears a helmet and reflective clothing;
    2. His / Her bodyguards also ride on bicycles. However, his / her entourage will be limited to 4 bicycles; and
    3. They use backroutes and panya routes and not even smile at a major road or highway. This means that the entourage should only use roads that are NOT yellow on Google Maps.

If the president doesn’t adhere to these rules, records of their offences will be kept and once they are no longer in power, their ears will be clipped in tandem with the number of offences committed.

10. Anyone who blocks a road, junction, entrance or any form of traffic opening will be immediately arrested and they will have every orifice of their body (except ONE nostril) stuffed with warm tar. They will only be released once the tar has hardened and their ear has been clipped.

11. Any driver that doesn’t indicate the direction that they are taking at a junction or when turning off the road will in addition to having their ear clipped, have to be guests of the traffic jail for at least 3 months.

12. Drivers who don’t obey traffic lights will automatically be guests of the traffic jail for a period not less than one year. They will also have their ears clipped twice while in traffic jail – when they get in and when they get out.

13. Any truck drivers who drive carelessly – including overtaking while another vehicle is approaching, driving at high speeds on the highways, driving while on neutral gear and driving at the centre of the road – will be tied to a pole and placed near the Tom Mboya statue in town for 1 month. Anyone in town is allowed to slap, pinch, box, hit or bite the ‘polee‘ but no life threatening injuries are allowed. Boxing gloves and beating implements will be provided on site.

14. Any drivers who are caught talking on the phone while driving will have their mouths clipped off, visit traffic jail for 3 months and have their left toes amputated. Multiple offenders will have any other part of their body amputated (other than the ears; they are required for clipping), at the discretion of the traffic prison boss.

15. If a ‘driver’ has violated a couple of rules and have had their ears clipped so much that no more clipping can be done, they, together with their families will be deported to Turbi Forest or Sibiloi National Park with no chance for ‘parole’. They will be excommunicated from the rest of the country, will not be allowed to vote, use technology or communication and they will be allowed to become like their hero – Zinjathropus. They will therefore have a great time going back to the basics of hunting and gathering since their brains are not yet developed enough to handle evolution and its benefits.

9 responses »

  1. hahahaha too funny. But I beg you to rethink number 8. I have been back in Kenya for four weeks now and I think my road rage is at an all time high and mind you, I am not usually the driver. That said, I can only eat so much soap!!

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